The Fallacy of Control

The Fallacy of Control

[00:00] Satsang

Jai Guru Deva. In this Q&A episode, we’re sharing questions and answers from a monthly session of Thom’s online Satsang Community. Satsang is an offering from Thom where you can join him each month online, or in person when he is on tour, and listen to shared wisdom from Thom as well as ask questions in a live Q&A format.

All of these questions and answers in this episode come from our March 2024 Satsang session, which had the theme of The Fallacy of Control. Satsang is open to Vedic meditators, and you can find out more at thomknoles.com/community.

[01:26] Is IVF Unnatural or Controlling?

Hi Thom. I am 40 years old and after a year of not getting pregnant, I am planning to begin IVF treatment in a few days in hopes of freezing some embryos, so that I may improve my chances of having a child in the future. The whole IVF process of needles and injecting hormones, egg retrievals, et cetera, could be said to be one based on an idea of attempted control.

Can you speak to this particular topic from the Vedic worldview? Am I trying to control the situation too much by taking “unnatural steps” to try to control my reproductive timeline?

[02:05] Where Do Babies Come From?

It’s so interesting what you’re asking me because I was just reading an anthropological treatise on reproduction, human reproduction, and going back to prehistoric times, far beyond prehistoric, and to the Paleolithic, Mesolithic and Neolithic.

Paleolithic means the most ancient expressions of inter-human communication and behavior and societal living. The most ancient, Paleolithic. The middle is Meso, Mesolithic, and the latter, the latest of those, is Neolithic, which is when society began to get organized to such a point that there could be viable approaches to agriculture.

And in this anthropological treatise, it was talking about how long it took human beings to figure out what it was that caused pregnancy. What a thought! 

Evidently, people weren’t a hundred percent sure. There might be this thing that you do together as a couple that has some feel good in it, but ten months later, out comes a baby.

And, how long did it take humans to figure out that that thing caused this thing?

[03:33] Hit and Miss

And then, once that was figured out, how long did it take human beings to figure out that in between doing that thing and this thing, that there were all these other behaviors that you could engage in that might help the process from that thing to this thing?

And then not everybody got to have a baby if they did that thing. And even though 10 months progressed, this thing didn’t always happen, and so then, what started to become the accumulated human knowledge about how to do this thing over here in such a way, and in the right kind of timing, when the moon is in a particular place in the sky and certain herbs have been taken and certain foods have been eaten and so on, that there’s a greater possibility of successful childbirth over here.

It took centuries.

Now, where are we now? We’re right now just at that phase where we’re adjusting this thing. This thing that causes the potential for fertility to produce that thing, a living, breathing human being that appears.

Now, when we look at the whole thing, this thing, meaning the baby-making cuddles that we’re doing over here, isn’t always all that convenient either. “Oh,” says one person to the other, “It’s time and according to the temperature and according to my ovulation program and according to my mucus and according to this, it’s time for us to have a session, not so spontaneous by the way, of lovemaking that’s going to end up causing a thing to happen here and process it over a period of time and out comes the baby there.”

[05:27] Is It Charming?

And so then we look at that and we go, “Well, that’s natural. This other thing, IVF, that’s unnatural,” but actually how natural is any of it if we feel ourselves in a controlling attitude?

Where I’m headed with all this, just to cut it short so I don’t use too much of your time and questions is, do you find yourself being invited into the process on the basis of it being charming?

The process in which you’re engaging is natural to the extent that you’re responding to an invitation that there is knowledge about how to bring about certain kinds of outcomes and you feel charmed and invited into it.

[06:13] A Bizarre Comparison

I’m going to use a very bizarre comparison. There is, in Ayurveda, a particular set of in-residence treatments known as Panchakarma; Pancha, in Sanskrit, it means five, Karma, actions. And what are these five actions? Well, different Ayurvedic masters will tell you a different five, but most of them have at least two or three all the same.

Abhyangas; vigorous body massage with different kinds of sesame oil.

Oleation; drinking lots and lots of herbalized ghee in order to soften up all of the impurities in the body so they can be expelled through the colon.

Basti; which means making you poop a lot.

Perhaps, Vamana; where we get our English word vomit, where you take certain herbs that are purgative and then basically you chuck your guts out for a while.

Svedana; Svedana is where we get our English word sweat. Getting inside of a box with your head exposed and your head staying cool, but your body sweating like crazy, with temperatures up to around 140 degrees Fahrenheit inside there, making you sweat.

And then there’s some lovely ones, Pizhichil, which is, someone has a watering can that showers you with warm oil. Shirodhara, where they’re making little figure eights on your forehead with a stream of herbalized oil, all lovely. There’s got to be something pleasant about all this.

But what is it? These processes are driven by an overall outcome. But let me tell you, having done Panchakarma at least 44 times in my life, it’s not always the most pleasant possible experience. But you submit to it because, and you do so relaxedly, because the overall outcome is that of a body that’s been purified of the impurities that are keeping that normal natural functioning of the body going.

[08:26] Another Analogy

Let’s use another analogy, meditation, close your eyes, think the mantra effortlessly, and in general the trend is you settle down to more and more pleasant, more and more fundamentally fulfilling layers of the consciousness process in general. But occasionally, that same legitimate, that same correct, accurate meditation technique of being effortless will yield another outcome, stress release.

And so all of you have sat in meditation sometimes and just felt so completely antsy and so completely restless, you’re being effortless and you’re keeping your eyes closed, and you may be having impulses of anger, and you may be having impulses of sadness, and you may be having impulses of fear, and you may be having impulses of mania…

While meditating, effortless meditation can yield all this stuff, and we continue easily to sit for it because we know that, in the larger picture, purification and normalization is one of the legitimate outcomes of correct effortless practice. It’s one of the legitimate outcomes of correct effortless practice and so we do it.

[09:55] A Growing Body of Knowledge

Now here you are, over the 12,000 years since Paleolithic times, when we didn’t even know that it was this thing that you do over here that causes that baby to come out there. We’ve pieced together more pieces of advice, more pieces of knowledge, and we have learned some things.

You can take an egg out here, and you can take a sperm and mix it with the egg, and you can pop it into a test tube and freeze it, and out comes a beautiful, perfectly nice bouncing baby, if you gestate that the proper way. But, there’s a little bit of discomfort and some weird things happening in the process of getting that gestation to commence, getting a fertilized embryo.

But isn’t there always a bit of that? Even without IVF. When you have to plan having a baby, there’s always a little bit of, I mean, maybe 50 percent of the time, it’s something that requires planning and non spontaneity. 

But if you feel driven because you feel invited into a body of knowledge that has the sequential elaboration of the laws of Nature in it, and you want to participate, even though there are parts of it that are going to make you feel a little bit sick, and so on and so on, like that, then we happily submit to all of that, just like we do to Panchakarma or unstressing meditation or whatever, because we feel invited into a larger outcome.

And if there’s discomfort, we can kind of, if we’re in that easy state, we can handle the discomfort.

[11:41] A Beautiful Soul Wanting Embodiment

And so we don’t think of it as necessarily controlling. It might be controlling to feel that it’s charming and that you’re invited into it but you don’t accept the invitation because you don’t want to be controlling. So aren’t you being a little bit controlling by not allowing yourself to be invited, not gracefully accepting the invitation into a body of knowledge?

See, control has all kinds of subtle ways of demonstrating itself to you. If, on the other hand, I’m doing a thing like IVF because I’m terrified, I’m doing a thing like IVF or freezing an embryo because it’s fear based, I’m afraid and I’m doing a thing like IVF or freezing embryos because I’m either angry or I’m sad or I’m frightened and I’m going to just bite the bullet here and make something happen…

Now, I’m being a little bit dramatic here intentionally because I want to emphasize the control aspect of it. “I’m going to make this thing happen.” We can feel where the controlling is starting, but it would also be control to find yourself invited by charm into a process that might cause needles and might involve needles and hormones and all kinds of things, but you’re drawn and you can sense some beautiful soul wanting to become embodied.

And you can sense at the end of this process, there’s that little bouncy baby looking at you and you feel that. You can feel it and you’re being invited into the process. Then we can handle the discomfort here and there.

[13:36] Simple, Natural, Innocent

So, fear based. If I’m doing something because of fear, if I’m succumbing to the hypnosis of social conditioning, “I won’t be happy unless I have a baby,” just examining all these questions and what we want is an answer to a very simple idea.

To what extent am I being controlling by not responding to an invitation? Or to what extent am I being controlled by the hypnosis of social conditioning and fear? Or to what extent am I, and let’s just put some words on it, just being simple, natural and innocent?

If I’m being simple, natural and innocent, any level of using the laws of Nature in this particular way to allow a baby to occur. If it wasn’t Nature’s intelligence involved in it, no baby could possibly occur from that process. The fact that a baby can come bouncing into the world, through the careful timing and use of hormones and the freezing of embryos and all of that, it demonstrates to me that the laws of Nature are being engaged in.

[14:58] Responding to Nature’s Invitation

It’s not a violation of the laws of Nature, otherwise it wouldn’t work. Or it wouldn’t produce babies. It would produce things that we don’t want, but I know lots of children, lots of them, who are happy meditators. who came into being by virtue of IVF. And when I look at those beautiful children, and some little voice was to come in my head, which by the way, it never does, but let’s suppose hypothetically, “Oh, is this child really a natural thing on this earth? Because you know, it was a frozen embryo and a test tube once?”

I’m looking at a human being. This is a lovely human being with a lovely heart who wants to learn their word of wisdom from me.

If it’s producing that, it’s also natural. And so, let’s not get too snooty about all of this. Let’s see to what extent we’re invited into a body of knowledge and invited in and learning more and more and more about the human reproductive process, that we’re continuing to learn as we have been learning over the last 12,000 years.

12,000 years ago, we were clueless. We didn’t even know that sex caused childbirth. We didn’t even know that, and now we know all kinds of things, and we’re going to end up learning even more things.

So I think we can relax to the extent that we feel invited. And if we feel discomfort because of the processes, there’s always discomfort in making babies anyway.

Those of you who’ve done it, I mean, the men are just bystanders, but the women, you’ve done it, you know what I’m talking about.

The process of getting a child onto the earth, to say nothing of the process of feeding them and looking after them once they’re on the earth, is a very attention-getting process laden with all kinds of sensations. This is just one more set of sensations.

I don’t think we need to be too concerned about it. Let’s just relax. And if you feel yourself responding to Nature’s invitation to make a baby that way, go for it. Jai Guru Deva.

[17:30] How Can I Release Control in Professional Situations?

Thom, can you help me put into context the need to let go of control and professional settings, where you’re working with colleagues and managing a team of people? How does one lead without feeling the need to control? I do my best with sweet speech, but sometimes there’s an emotion and sometimes some body sensations that feel very controlling.

I do my best not to act on it, but it does feel defeating to me as I know in that moment I’m not leaning into the Vedic knowledge of what you speak.

[18:01] Loyalty-Based Administration

Loyalty-based administration, loyalty. When people around you just love you so much, all they want to do is find out what you would like to see happening. Then they will hang on your every word and watch day and night to see how, somehow, they can play a role in causing the manifestation of whatever it is that you appear to want. That will feel to them, all those people, like frictionless flow. 

Outsiders watching them will say, “Well, they’re working so hard, so diligently.” To an outsider watching all of this, that’s what it looks like, but to an insider, who’s the experiencer of it, it just feels like frictionless flow.

Hard work is only hard work to those who are doing something in which there’s some fear.

[19:06] Fear-Based Administration

What’s the opposite of loyalty-based administration? Fear-based administration. “Okay, team, we all know what’s going to happen if we don’t get this done. Our whole department will be shut down by my higher ups, not just yours, and I’m the one who’s here to help you from getting all this shut down. So we don’t want that, do we? No.

“What we want is for the whole thing to stay up and running because we need these jobs. So come on, let’s all work together as a team. We’re kind of choiceless here because, unless we can make this work, you know what’s going to happen next, and you don’t want me to have to become the bad guy who’s telling you that there are layoffs coming.”

Now, of course, right there you have someone who’s trying to be a loving controller, but is actually being a fear-based administrator.

[20:02] The Absolute Theory of Management

There’s an entire science, The Absolute Theory of Management, that I learned from my teacher, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, and the principles of that I apply, in my managerial consulting, business consulting. You’d never think that this guy who’s sitting before you with this long twisty beard and unkempt hair and a bunch of beads on and all kinds of Sanskrit language, but I work for some of the most high-powered and largest companies on earth.

And what I’m basically teaching them is how to eliminate fear-based administration and have a far more successful approach, where everybody’s working together as a team, and that we restyle the mission of the company or the department to being something that is invitational of the greatest amount of creativity by everybody who is working together, in an integrated way, towards something that’s going to bring common benefit to all. And this is one of the things I do professionally.

And so, for those of you who are in organizations, whether they’re government or non government, charitable or straight out business, anytime you want to have a consultation with me, where I can teach you some of these principles, where you get buy in from everyone, not based on fear, but based on the best idea wins, and everybody gets to have their input into it, and everyone feels, spontaneously, their given capability, their capabilities are awakened.

This is a thing that can be achieved in a, even an hour, two, three of consultation with me. We can talk about how to make that happen in any organization.

[22:06] Be an Exemplar

But in the meantime, shortcut, loyalty-based administration. We have to be an exemplar. People who you lead need to want to be led by you, not because the alternative is terrible, that’s fear-based administration. They want to be led by you because contact with you just feels so good. It just feels so good. It’s primal.

And so if you say, “Let’s go and do this, it’s going to take 12 hours,” or something like that. “I can’t wait. I can’t wait. Let’s get on with it. I have so much energy for that.”

So we have to find a way of being exemplary and awakening in people the desire to all pull together that is enjoyable and fun, so that the process itself is also an outcome. The process itself is also an outcome. We’re not just doing a whole lot of slogging away in hopes that when we finish slogging away, the outcome finally will arrive.

So this might take a little bit more of a, detailed look and if you want to be engaged with me on that kind of thing, just talk to Susan and Peter and they can make arrangements and we can have some managerial or business consulting, sessions and really refine your approach to this whole thing, how to remove fear-based administration from our way of doing things.

Fear-based administration always backfires. It might get a specific objective done, but then it backfires long term. Always.

[24:10] How Can I Align With My Partner when Our Communication Styles Differ?

Dear Thom, How do I allow my partner to be themself, and focus on my own evolution when our core values are aligned, however, our style of communication is so different?

[24:24] Get Rid of Our Superiority Complex

Just relax and enjoy variety.The style of communication is just one more variety. If I’m enjoying being with you, let’s suppose, I’m enjoying being with you so much, but there’s this thing, you know, your way of communicating is not so great compared with mine. I feel like mine’s better.

What is it you’re actually thinking? That’s what you’re actually thinking. Mine’s better. Our styles of communicating are so much different. That’s a disguised way of saying, my style of communicating is better than my partner’s.

I’m sorry to expose that, but that’s what it is. And so, we need to get rid of our superiority complex.

[25:12] Birds of Different Feathers

Different birds might flock together, and one of them is a parrot, and the other one is a nightingale. And the nightingale has its way of warbling through the night, and the parrot has its way of squawking and talking, and the nature of one and the nature of the other but they share one thing.

They’re both birds. They can both fly, they can both communicate about the experiences that they like to have, the shared experiences they like to have, even though the sounds that they make are different sounds that are expressive of different inner natures.

So, let’s get rid of our superiority complex and relax and let our own style of communing be relaxed and enjoyable by virtue of being open to someone else’s style of communing, someone else’s style.

[26:21] What’s Your Point?

And sometimes you’ll come across a little child, and they might commune beautiful things to you in a kind of stammering fashion like,” [stammering noises], I saw the [stammering noises] bird outside and I…” and you might be sitting there going, “Come on, come on, tell me what is it! Yes, come on,” which is actually kind of a cruel thing to do.

Just relax and let that child just naturally enjoy the process. This is coming down to it. I said it earlier in another context, but we need to be much more process oriented. The process of communing is the outcome. Enjoy the process. Stop being so outcome driven, like, “Okay, Let’s get this communication thing over with. Let’s get to your point. What’s your point?”

Why not just relax and enjoy the sounds that they’re making? The sounds that they’re making are obviously still being made in your direction. It’s a form of love. Enjoy the love in whatever form it comes. Just enjoy the love. Communing is a form of love.

And you can enjoy the love rather than saying, “Okay, let’s dispense with the process and let’s jump right over it and get to what it is you’re trying to say.” Why not just enjoy them. If they seem to you to be rambling, you probably seem to be rambling to them too.

[28:02] Be Willing to Invest the Time

Everybody just needs to relax and take it easy and let everybody be what they are. Let them express their consciousness state. And, be available. Let some time pass with that. If we’re going to have an alliance with somebody, a relationship, I prefer the word alliance, then we need to do it on the basis of being willing to invest time.

I sensed in your question that there’s a part of you that’s impatient because you feel as though you’re kind of like there’s too much time going in and you’re having to put up with the other style of communicating. No, no. You have all the time in the world. Invest the time. If you want that kind of relationship, you have to be willing to invest the time.

If you don’t want that kind of relationship, then you need to be honest about it. But if you do want that kind of relationship, be willing to invest the time. We’re time billionaires. We have all the time in the world.

Jai Guru Deva.

[29:12] Satsang

If you’d like to join Thom’s online Satsang community, you have the opportunity to have your questions answered by Thom in real time. Find out more at thomknoles.com/community. Jai Guru Deva