Sorry, Not Sorry

Sorry, Not Sorry

[00:45] A Life of Constant Sorrow

I and my colleagues, and many of my listeners, friends, and students have commented in recent times how much and how frequently people use the word sorry. “Sorry, I don’t agree with you.” “Sorry, we bumped each other’s elbows when we were rounding a corner.” “Sorry, look, I’m really sorry, I forgot to put the coaster down, and it looks like I might have left a ring on your table.”

“Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” It sounds like a life of constant sorrow is underlying all of this, and an unwillingness to find another way of expressing oneself if there’s been some kind of moment in which outcomes were not exactly what was expected.

There’s a much more old-fashioned way of expressing such things, which seems to have fallen out of favor. That favoring has now gone to the life of constant sorrow, expressed as, “Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, I missed your call. Sorry, I this, sorry, I that…” Pretty sorry life, actually.

And the old-fashioned way is to actually speak in imperatives. “Pardon me.” That’s an imperative sentence. “Pardon me.” Or, “Excuse me.” “Excuse me” is also an imperative sentence. It’s not constantly expressing sorrow. One hasn’t intentionally nearly knocked somebody over as they came around a corner a little hastily.

[02:34] Sarcasm and Narcissism

Is one actually deeply sorry for it, or would one like to have their behavior excused, acknowledging, “I may have been the cause of a disruption to your expectations. If I’ve disrupted your expectations,” rather than sorry? Very often, sorry is actually put there sarcastically too, and you know in The Power of Speech—I held an entire course on this subject—we go to some lengths to try to enjoin the meditators of the world, at the very least, to let go of the use of sarcasm.

Sarcasmos in Greek means “to tear the flesh,” to speak things that you don’t really mean. We do see people using, both sarcastically, the word sorry as if, “I’m not at fault, it must be you”—it’s a sarcastic use of the word. Or saying, “Sorry, look, I apologize, but,” it’s a conditional apology: “I apologize, but I wouldn’t have done that to you, or done that thing which offended you, if you hadn’t done this.” “I’m sorry, but…” “I’m sorry, but actually you’re at fault.”

This is a common trait emerging from the mouth of someone afflicted with narcissism. Narcissism is not a choice that somebody makes. It’s a pathological condition that is a consequence of overaccumulation of stress in the mind, the brain, and the physiology. I covered narcissism in great detail in a separate episode, which you might enjoy listening to.

[04:41] You Deserve the Best

So we need to find ways of purifying our speech and making our speech more effective, more dignified—dare I say it—more regal. It’s our proper role. 

After all, we remember the fabulous declension of phrases given to us by Guru Deva, the teacher of my teacher. My teacher was Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. His teacher was Swami Brahmananda Sarasvati, known as Guru Deva.

“You deserve the best. Never feel unworthy or not justified in having the best. I tell you, this is your heritage”—it means birthright—“but you have to accept it. You have to expect it. You have to claim it, and to do so is not demanding too much.”

This beautiful set of phrases, which has come down through the ages to the present day, is really the manifesto of every practitioner of Vedic Meditation.

And so, rather than living a life expressing constant sorrow and hearing oneself say “sorry, sorry, sorry” all the time, one needs to claim the best—to claim it, to accept it, to expect it.

All of these ways of expressing ourselves end up having a tremendous amount of power because, in our mind and in our consciousness, we are constantly expressing our personal role in the evolution of things—our personal role in the interaction with the laws of Nature, our personal role, and the interactions with our fellow human beings.

[06:47] Mea Culpa

And so, I would like to ask you to consider your own speech. If you find yourself overusing the word sorry and you want to have a little refresher and a challenge, why not see if, “Pardon me,” or, “Excuse me,” or a simple smile will do.

One doesn’t need constantly to be justifying one’s existence. One thinks perhaps sorry might be shorthand for, “I’m sorry that I exist. My existence appears to be having an annoying effect on an inordinate number of people, and so I’m constantly apologizing for it.”

The old use of the Latin word that once upon a time was a standard prayer in the Roman Catholic faith—Mea Culpa. “Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous, grievous fault.”

And what is that fault? 

“The fact that I even exist is an annoyance to God because my existence reminds God of the original sin of the original humans who, mythologically, existed in the Garden of Eden—particularly the feminine—who ate the apple, against the stern admonishments of the Supreme Being. I’m so sorry for existing. My ultimate mother, Eve, committed the ultimate sin.”

[08:34] A Willingness to Take Responsibility for What We’re Experiencing

We need to start transcending these interpretations. The real story is that all that got set up to start a storyline. We’ll talk about that elsewhere, but the process of learning how to live less of a life of constant sorrow—and finding expression in that with the word sorry over and over and over again—would be a very helpful and refreshing experience. So let’s see if we can purify our speech.

I’m happy, not sorry, to be giving you this highlighting of a word that is evidently in gross overuse—at least in English. In the Anglosphere of the world, we’re seeing it just about everywhere.

Let’s stop being sorry. Let’s express what we’re actually experiencing, which is perhaps, “I interrupted or disrupted your expectations, and pardon me.” “I inadvertently interrupted or disrupted your expectations—excuse me.” Or some other phraseology that helps to shed light on what we think may have just happened—and a willingness to take responsibility for what we’re experiencing and for perhaps what others are experiencing—to take our degree of responsibility, but not constantly falling back onto the old S-word.

Jai Guru Deva.